"Unusual Uncertainty"

(Friday, July 30, 2010) “Unusual Uncertainty”
In testimony before the Senate Banking Committee last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke spoke of the future of the US economy in terms of “unusual uncertainty.” I understand that phrase. My “nasty little disease” has caused “unusual uncertainty.” Investors were upset by Chairman Bernanke’s admission that the future is uncertain. It made them “jittery” and as a result, the stock market fell immediately following Bernanke’s testimony. I understand that concern. I have been a little "jittery" myself and I think my own stock has fallen recently.

Uncertainty makes it hard to set goals, particularly long-term goals. I have decided against learning to play a musical instrument or learning to speak Spanish, although I am tempted whenever we walk by the Rosetta Stone booth in the mall.

I did however set an important goal this week. Lately, I have spent more time reading about the Bible than reading the Bible. It is easy to do because there are so many good Christian resources available to us. I have been reading excellent books, blogs and web sites. I have listened to wonderful podcasts. They have helped me understand the Bible and apply it to my life.

But as Hebrews 4:12 points out, it is the Word of God that is living and active, incredibly powerful. This week I was challenged and convicted as I read the testimony of a chemistry professor at one of our leading research universities who spoke of the importance of reading the Bible daily. I have decided to read through the Bible and, in just a few days, the time has been well spent. I read several chapters from the Old Testament and several chapters from the New Testament. I first read through the Bible in this manner while in law school. It has been many years since I've read the Bible cover to cover so I am excited about my new goal. (I realize this is not the best way for everyone to read the Bible – but for me, at this point in my journey, I firmly believe God will use it to His glory and my advantage.) Maybe next year, if my “unusual uncertainty” turns out well, I will read through the Bible in Spanish! Bueno!

Next week is my “rest week.” Yesterday (Thursday) was the last injection for the first “cycle” of the Velcade treatment. My initial reaction when the doctor described the treatment plan was that we not take time off to “rest.” My thought was we should keep injecting the drug until we get a positive response. After two weeks of treatment I now understand and accept the need for a rest period. Our bodies can only take so much of a good thing. I’m beginning to feel like a pin cushion. I miss the catheter (port) which was implanted for the bone marrow transplant. I wish we came into the world with a port – maybe we could trade an appendix or a spleen for a port. My veins will appreciate the week off. Looking at my arms would give someone “reasonable suspicion” to think I was abusing something.

I told my nurse that the treatments were having more of an effect upon me than I anticipated. She replied, “Yeah, it knocks you on your fanny, doesn’t it?” Yeah, that kind of sums it up. When you get knocked down, the important thing is to get back up. So I think I’ll use my rest week to get up off the floor, dust my fanny off, and see if I can’t keep my footing during the next “cycle.”

While I have a number of side effects from the treatment, the main problem is fatigue. It is more than just being “tired.” This is “hang my head,” “fall asleep in the chair,” “not enough energy to chew my food,” FATIGUE. I am also having “emotional moments” which is “weird” because I have never been an emotional person. These episodes usually occur when I read or hear about friends, particularly my young friends - the children and the infants - who are also walking through the “tall weeds.” When I think about them and the grace, strength and faith of their parents, it is hard not to be overcome with emotion.

I am confident some would say this is a good thing, that expressing my emotions is beneficial and “cleansing.” When I first told Patra that I was having these unexpected, short, intense bouts of emotion, she said, "now you know what every menopausal woman feels like." Patra knows how to make me laugh. But after thinking about it, I am withholding comment on that except to say that I do have more compassion for women now. The bottom line is that knowing me like I know me, it’s been “weird.”

I shared a couple of weeks ago that the doctor at the Mayo Clinic had given me an honest but certainly not optimistic prognosis. My heart was cheered this week when I read what Matt Chandler’s doctor told his wife in response to her question as to the best and worst-case scenarios. (Matt is the young pastor of a large church in Texas who suffered a seizure last Thanksgiving Day and subsequently had surgery for a malignant brain tumor.)

“The best-case scenario is that God heals you. . . The worst-case scenario, honestly, is that you get killed in a car wreck on your way home today.”

Now that is a wise doctor.

Patra and I are overwhelmed by your continued responses of love and concern. This journey has lasted long enough that we sometimes fear our friends must be getting tired of walking with us. But you have stuck with us and we are humbled and honored and blessed beyond measure by your support and prayers. Thank you!

Until next Friday. God willing.
Bob